Seeking out the injuried.

I've come to the conclusion (or at as complete as such a thought can be) that I probably need equally jacked up people in my life. I need someone who can relate to some of the not so happy thoughts that like to patrol my mind. A lot of my close friends have been in the trenches with me and given me close to no bullshit. For which I honestly believe medals are due. There have been other players in my life to support me during their 5 mins of fame, but they quickly found ways to somewhat betray me. Then there are the weak, who were out of the picture. Twice now, I've heard from white female friends (while they were drunk) that I'm stronger than them. It's certainly something which empowers me. But at the same time sickens me. Why do I have to be strong? Why did things happen to me to force me to suddenly get armor on? I'm happier (?) with who I am currently versus my past self (mostly because I feel as though I somewhat crushed the demons on selfishness)...and I understand that what happens must happen...but must the price be so high? The few life injuries I've endured have built my character and solidified parts of who I am. It's also startled me into feeling alive...I feel more real. I feel like I cane actually relate to others in a truly personal manner...never mind the fact that mums the word on my personal life. I'm also very excited that, through it all, I can still be happy. I think that's what amazes me the most. I can still laugh and live, even though at times my heart is heavy.

Considering cutting off most of my hair...now seems to be a good time...I'm sick of it. Though I need to remember that being attached to physical things isn't what ails me...being attached to emotions is what has me snagged. I wish I could shake the fear of just forgiving others and letting it go. But for some reason the anger wants me to feed it. Though in theory I know better. This part of "me" isn't who I want. Getting a little too personal, eh?

Lots of rain today. Perfect for foiling my attempts at harvesting more lima beans, peppers, and herbs. I've been entrusted with one phase of food processing for the winter: dehydration. I'm also apart of a small group that's supposed to harvest food for seed and eating. Tomorrow looks like it'll rain plenty more (>_
Should probably start being more observant if I'm to better understand commune culture. 1st lesson- communes social structure/mission statement very dependent on how the commune is able to support its self. Acorn is involved in the seed business and they're small. Small size = egalitarian...and the business supports the need to focus more on labor. Unlike say, the commune Sirius. Sirius (from what I've heard) is very spiritual. They bring in funds by renting out a building and charging people 400 dollars to be there...so yeah, plenty of time to sit around and go "om" 'cause you've paid rather than work to be there. It does surprise me that not all communes are out in the middle of no where. Ganus is on Stanton Island, NY. From what I hear they are landlords and own a thrift store. Other observations- people are very transient. I like the concept of commune hopping, but currently this is not ideal for me. Though it'll be a great way to explore the states later. Relationship types (preferred)- polyamourous(females tend to have more of an issue with such than males). I am very curious as to what people's concerns are towards STI's, AIDS, and HIV (I've seen a few books addressing the topic on how to live with AIDS)...and also how often protection is used/if at all (from an organic point of view, latex is probably not eco friendly...etc...though their is goats skin condoms...but those don't protect from infections). Between Acorn and Twin Oaks more lesbians than gay men (some reason this sort of surprises me...perhaps because I've not know many lesbians before...and it's strange for me to identify as being different than them). Waste seems not to be of much concern, because there's a relatively simple but effective system in place. Organic matter goes into the compost. Recyclables are...well, recycled. While other curd gets land filled...in other words trashed.