Trust issues.

I'll probably be giving this blog the axe. I think I'll start another one at some point (to those people who matter, I'll provide ye with the link). But I don't dig this blog being linked from another person's page.

End of one mini-journey...

Well my time at a commune has come to an end (a little before I had intended it to). There has been much silence on my end due to iffy moods and angst. My last week went very well after a friend visited me and my hair was snipped off. The hair cut has really taken a load off. Unfortunately there are still issues that need tending to which even the 'reset' button can't completely undo.

Was losing it a bit emotionally because of how critical this time period was for me a year ago (also felt a bit isolated, eh). I think I'm good? I've opened up a lot to the people at the commune regarding my life and who I am. Still dealing with some things, slightly different issues pertaining to my impatience with waiting for life or with dealing with people.

However! I've meet some pretty awesome people! Here are just a few people (some names changed/shorten): Ted lives in his truck (it has a bed and a stove), sells wooden sex toys which he makes, and he participates in medical studies so he can save up for some land to call home. Everi was a pretty crazy weird lass who loved reggae, started 3 dreadlocks while I was there, she also likes candid photos (because they capture people's true expressions), aaand...she often talked about poop. Alaina was rather misleading. She was an amazonian blond (dyed of course) who used to live in New York. But from what I learned she was a hostess in Japan and was also a cocktail waitress at a strip club in Maine (I think). Quirky bits about her is that she loves to pinch cheeks and has an intensely silly personality (we meshed well). O was a lovely lass about 17, who dropped out of high school and had a very mysterious but captivating personality. N was sort of like a joker. She was always joking and usually wore a smirk on her face (when we went to the public library she checked out children joke books). She had little qualms about complaining about monogamy and her desires to be with other women. Rachel was a former member of AmeriCorps in Arizona...she was also sex crazed, commanding, and a damn good cook (I was often her kitchen minion). Ken was one of the main workers with the seed business, but thoroughly enjoyed board and card games (he was pretty young at heart for an older man, he jumped into the tree house ball pit and played around for some time).

I also drummed for the first time...it wasn't exactly at a drum circle, but people were hanging out around the fire pit at the tree houses. It was very intimidating for me, but it felt good to be able to pull off a steady beat that went for a decent amount of time with two other drummers (at least 5 or 10 minutes...hah). I also let myself go and started humming too. The tree house party was okay, I put Pepper to the test with dancing...he passed. Though later events sort of made the weekend pretty sour and put me in a terrible mood. And with the onset of icky mood came the plague. I had overcome a brief two day cold about two weeks ago...but the next cold hit me pretty hard. My throat was killing me, major coughing, epic sneezes, congested, and it felt like my head was being crushed (way too much pressure). I'm still in the process of saying good-bye to my community sickness.

From my stay at the commune I've learned a few new things...and been exposed to some rather interesting thoughts. It's now time for my very watered down anthropology view point. The most important aspect of community living/intentional communities is communication. Without it people get into a lot of trouble. I'm not very good at eavesdropping on others (I tune out a lot), but I believe at a commune it's vital. From doing such one can find out what work needs to be done, who's been with who (and know of the awkward social situations that may arise- such as former lovers living above each other), be kept in the loop as to on going social events, and glean vital information for your own self interests. Though I doubt eavesdropping could have prevented me from directly asking a woman about some rather nasty scars along her upper arm...That looked vaguely like tiny cuts...Yeah, realized she was cutter after she just stared at me.

I thought I had a lot more to say...I 'spose not. I might be milling over what all I've done in my head for the past few days and possible spew it onto this blog...or I might be pondering on more current matters...who knows?

Seeking out the injuried.

I've come to the conclusion (or at as complete as such a thought can be) that I probably need equally jacked up people in my life. I need someone who can relate to some of the not so happy thoughts that like to patrol my mind. A lot of my close friends have been in the trenches with me and given me close to no bullshit. For which I honestly believe medals are due. There have been other players in my life to support me during their 5 mins of fame, but they quickly found ways to somewhat betray me. Then there are the weak, who were out of the picture. Twice now, I've heard from white female friends (while they were drunk) that I'm stronger than them. It's certainly something which empowers me. But at the same time sickens me. Why do I have to be strong? Why did things happen to me to force me to suddenly get armor on? I'm happier (?) with who I am currently versus my past self (mostly because I feel as though I somewhat crushed the demons on selfishness)...and I understand that what happens must happen...but must the price be so high? The few life injuries I've endured have built my character and solidified parts of who I am. It's also startled me into feeling alive...I feel more real. I feel like I cane actually relate to others in a truly personal manner...never mind the fact that mums the word on my personal life. I'm also very excited that, through it all, I can still be happy. I think that's what amazes me the most. I can still laugh and live, even though at times my heart is heavy.

Considering cutting off most of my hair...now seems to be a good time...I'm sick of it. Though I need to remember that being attached to physical things isn't what ails me...being attached to emotions is what has me snagged. I wish I could shake the fear of just forgiving others and letting it go. But for some reason the anger wants me to feed it. Though in theory I know better. This part of "me" isn't who I want. Getting a little too personal, eh?

Lots of rain today. Perfect for foiling my attempts at harvesting more lima beans, peppers, and herbs. I've been entrusted with one phase of food processing for the winter: dehydration. I'm also apart of a small group that's supposed to harvest food for seed and eating. Tomorrow looks like it'll rain plenty more (>_
Should probably start being more observant if I'm to better understand commune culture. 1st lesson- communes social structure/mission statement very dependent on how the commune is able to support its self. Acorn is involved in the seed business and they're small. Small size = egalitarian...and the business supports the need to focus more on labor. Unlike say, the commune Sirius. Sirius (from what I've heard) is very spiritual. They bring in funds by renting out a building and charging people 400 dollars to be there...so yeah, plenty of time to sit around and go "om" 'cause you've paid rather than work to be there. It does surprise me that not all communes are out in the middle of no where. Ganus is on Stanton Island, NY. From what I hear they are landlords and own a thrift store. Other observations- people are very transient. I like the concept of commune hopping, but currently this is not ideal for me. Though it'll be a great way to explore the states later. Relationship types (preferred)- polyamourous(females tend to have more of an issue with such than males). I am very curious as to what people's concerns are towards STI's, AIDS, and HIV (I've seen a few books addressing the topic on how to live with AIDS)...and also how often protection is used/if at all (from an organic point of view, latex is probably not eco friendly...etc...though their is goats skin condoms...but those don't protect from infections). Between Acorn and Twin Oaks more lesbians than gay men (some reason this sort of surprises me...perhaps because I've not know many lesbians before...and it's strange for me to identify as being different than them). Waste seems not to be of much concern, because there's a relatively simple but effective system in place. Organic matter goes into the compost. Recyclables are...well, recycled. While other curd gets land filled...in other words trashed.

too many eyes to finish! >_<

age difference
forgiving vs. being pissy

Breaking the silence and finally updating after a week (?). Pepper is here, hence a bit of lack of online contact. In addition I'm off and on babysitting a new visiter. Though! This week has been way too eventful. Mom visited, bring Pepper, then richmond buddy came by for a few hours. So I'm a little (Alright, a lotta bit) socially drained. But I'll regain my composure sure enough/be all angsty about being left alone again (cue the violins). Haven't been harvesting that many beans of late, been working odd jobs (such as drying herbs and peppers)...also slacked off a bit this week amid the social "chaos". Went canoeing again last saturday and packed tofu (Whooo...was too early and I was grumpy grump). Also went to a bar in town on Friday night for kareoke (didn't sing, but did waste some cash...sigh).

Today? Finally getting over major pissy ass mood. Mostly ticked about being called out I guess on slacking off/more or less feeling as though I've done no work this week. Pepper can't stay for longer, blah. Stressed out about him stressing out, etc. But my lesson for today- I can choose. To either be angry as hell (which oft feels quite "good") or I can go above and beyond and let it go...which I suppose has the ability to also feel "good". Was further ticked off today because work that I did with creating beds for planting garlic and onions was done incorrectly...twice. And there was a major lack of clear communication as to what the workers were supposed to do. Needless to say, I was pretty heated at wasting more time and being involved with a project in which no one knew what the hell was up, yet there are desires to get it done as soon as possible. Digression, I suppose. Anyhow! Was angry, and snippy...but later decided to give a hug to the person who more or less cause a large part of the confusion (heard they were crying...though my intial reaction was one of "so what?"). The hug, suprisingly, took off a lot of edge from my anger. It took some balls for me to actually do it/sort of had to fight with myself cause I really just wanted to keep giving the death glare and snarl...but...I guess the higher path won out? Regardless, I ended up feeling a lot better and relieved. I'm proud of myself for choosing to do something positive even though I wanted to remain sullen.

Other tidbits. I really don't notice age here at all. And I believe it's starting to make me more accepting of vast age differences in couples. I still believe that older people dating younger people are sort of ripping off the youngins. I feel as though the younger party is disregarded as anything more than a body...and that bothers me (also, I feel like the looks ratio is different in terms of value).

Not awoken by bells...

Thus far today has been quite disorienting! Dreamt about Lady Gaga holding modeling casting calls (I pissed her off by entering her work room...I was curious what was behind the door. She had models working away on type writers in little cubicles with calendars. My folks were there and I only gave them a half hearted goodbye 'cause I was excited to leave), someone robbing a bank and then giving me the loot (which to my great relief turned out to be french fries. I also tried to mind read some little kids mind's and was giving them vague tips on how to endure it, such as struggling will make it hurt. 7evin showed up too), and waiting in line for a store or something and suddenly dancing (to She Wolf...yeah. I was doing crazy stuff like being on en pointe and flirting with people).

I expected to wake up for lunch. They ring a bell here for lunch and dinner. Buuut, no bell. So I woke up in a stupor around 1pm and went to the main building. Demon dog barked and growled at me all the way there (and I thought we were friend's now!). And no one was there. Lights still off. Nada. No food. Nothing. Apparently almost everyone went to help with the Heritage Harvest Festival (which is actually today and was not on thursday).

So, onward to more bean picking and handling mass mailings!

A week in...

Been trying to update this for the past couple of days. Compy time has been off and on. 1st thing of interest...labels. The more of 'em you have the less able they are to box you in. I mean, labels are meant to make you 2d. But, when you've got like 10 or so of them, at some point they may begin to conflict. Thus making you wonder about the vegan-anti-abortion-jock. Or the smoker with tattoos who refuses to eat non-organic foods and what not (no really, they're here). Current labeled person of note for me is the Canadian-middle-aged-lesbian...who is seeking US citizenship...to join a commune...who was once a lawyer...

She really made me think of some issues I hadn't considered. Marriages of convience. The canadian lesbian wants to marry someone here, so she can join the commune. I never really thought people did things like this, but it would seem my knowledge of the world is quite limited. She also swayed my stance on the gay community. For a few days I was sort of getting fed up with the lesbians here who seem to have based their identity solely around their sexual orientation (really short hair cuts, piercings, and playing songs with lyrics like "I'm leeesbian!". I'm a pretty open person. I was getting ticked off because it just seemed so selfish. I'm starting to think the gay community/movement is all about "look at me! look at how I suffer! we're the last civil rights movement!". Perhaps I carry too many labels to really get that worked up about one particular issue (not to exclude me from being pissed as hell regarding ineqaulity and injustice towards marriage and being protected in the eyes of the law).

For me, racism is still pretty much a pain in the arse. My sexuality? Not too worried about that, that's easier to conceal for myself. My interest in dating people of other races? Also able to hide it, but still a pain that I worry about potentially getting hurt if I'm with a loved one in public. I don't know, I guess I wished that most movements weren't so self centered (ex. PETA...exploiting other's to get their message across...http://www.wavy.com/dpp/video/nat_cnn_JacksonvilleFL_PETA_ad_criticism_20090818 , http://israelmatzav.blogspot.com/2009/03/germany-bans-peta-ad-campaign-equating.html , http://vegetarianstar.com/2009/02/19/peta-kissing-ladies-offending-people-including-lesbians/ , http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.cynical-c.com/archives/bloggraphics/petamorons.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.cynical-c.com/archives/003636.html&usg=__eP-iQw1BFiywwKdMKpvUQBeP0ko=&h=240&w=400&sz=20&hl=en&start=2&um=1&tbnid=RCttmst8xl8lkM:&tbnh=74&tbnw=124&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpeta%2Bslavery%2Bad%2Bcampaign%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26sa%3DN%26um%3D1 -man I dislike PETA...).

But! Talking more with the Canadian lesbian, I may have pieced together some of the self centeredness! She told me how her family tried an intervention, how she thinks she was born 20 years too early, and that her mother still writes her 15 to 20 page papers beseeching her to change her ways or she'll go to hell. That's an intense reality to deal with. So if that is what you're faced with, perhaps you are allowed to celebrate with lesbian anthems? Maybe at some point I'll rock out a fro? Hmm...might be a bit too showy for me.


So what have I been up to? Lima bean picking! Ain't it swell? Today moved on from the bush lima beans (which require one to hunch over) to the pole lima's! Which requires one to get entangled in vines and be trapped within a row of questionably buggy leaves and what not. But really, it eventually became fun. Thanks to Misses Doctor Zune!

-Uh! Done rambling! DUECES!

Achey heady...

Picked more lima beans yesterday...in the rain...by myself...while rocking out to my zune. Helped more with peeling garlics as well. Worked a little more with sign repairage. Annnd, I think that's really it, work wise. News wise, got rejected from another federal job in New Orleans. But got a message (finally) from a program I just applied to in N.O. and from the program I already phone interviewed for in Arizona (I think I may more or less be accepted to this program). Need to answer some questions and e-mail that back (great, more reliance upon slooow internet...). Major downside to that N.O. program is that it's start date is the 28th...of this month...GRAH! Here's to hoping, right? Also, a bud wants to surprise visit me while I'm here at the commune...that's caused a tad bit of stress, because the people here think it's a little sketch (hence them "ruining" the surprise and telling me). So I'll have to call him and discuss stuff.

Today's been eh so far. Helped with lunch and did more garlic peeling. I find it a little odd how much I like helping with cooking. I'm much too paranoid about poisoning people to cook on my own, but being a lackey, ain't so bad. Trying to get over a headache...umm...

Been thinking a little bit about relationships...okay, a lotta bit. I've overheard some convos about people's semi-convulted love lives...and I gotta say, I really don't want to get tied up with anyone here in that sense...I'm also a little on edge about Pepper coming to visit now too...Seems like a discussion is in order, eh? I eagerly await when I'm free from romantic thoughts. It'll allow me to focus more.

Time seems neverending here. Not sure if it's cause I feel like I'm doing nothing for about most of the time or what. I'm trying to learn how to find work, so that way I can be of some use to Pepper for when he comes to visit. The hardest parts of being here is trying to keep busy, though there's plenty to do. Just trying to find it is a toughie. Also, being more assertive here is a must. But also difficult for me. Must fall under self-esteem issues.

A discovery though- moods. I feel like I go through them all here. A little agitating...but then again, I look around and it seems like I'm not the only one. Last night I felt pretty isolated and lonely (hearing people laughing and what not in the smoke shack didn't help). I sort of wanted to go back "home". At least now I can truly recognize that my emotions are always in flux. Huh...maybe Flux should be my name? Everyone's having a hella hard time with my middle name...(tear).

-That's it for now...hope we watch more True Blood tonight

Free...Tibet?

Makes me wonder how far I should go. Just watched a movie (...? documentary?) on the Tibet situation. I won't lie...I have not gone out of my way to learn more about Tibet, expressly because I feel helpless. I try not to really hound any information pertaining to the numerous (or is it the neverending?) insanities of this world. Because I feel like a coward for not doing anything once I am aware of what's going on...

So here I am. All properly informed and what not. So now what? I get to sit back, listen to my Zune (TM, of course!) and gorge myself silly on organic food, all while sipping some classy Jasmine tea... What the fuck? I am not politically motivated (though I suspect when I am done with the wiles of youth I shall become such)...I'm not militant (though my stature limits me more than anything)...and though I'm intelligent, I have no desire to battle what would appear to be an already won conquest. What can I do? Is there anything for me to DO? Or is it the American verbal fixation to spew out the words "I want to help you"?

How does one decide upon which battles to fight? Perhaps, I've already answered this question for myself. When I did my study abroad I realized that I can not fully comprehend the scope of another person's world without first being exposed to it. Why is this relevant? Because if I am unaware of their perspective, what good am I (if I'm of any use to begin with...gotta knock down the ego just a tad)? A friend was telling me about a book...this guy fell in love with this romote village (I'll let you pick whichever 3rd world you think is suitable) and befriended the locals there. He left, raised a ton of money, and built them a school. The village lacked this resource. But, they had no need, use, or desire for such. What they really needed was a bridge to get them across a river that often flooded. Bridge first, then a school might be of use. Moral is, having the heart and passion to help another person(s) really does not matter if your energy is misdirected. Therefore, knowing their perspective can improve your chances of being useful.

Now, here's the thing. Is my stance of getting motivated and helping cultures/people's whom have expressed a need/asked for help and who I have visited their landscape legitimate? Or is it a rationalization for being another lazy and apathetic individual? I can easily convince myself that there is nothing I can do but live my life and be as content as I see myself worthy of being. But then I get to thinking...what about all of those crazy awesome intense characters from history? You know, the ones that did SHIT. They didn't fall back on thier riches, or only better their own lives. Nah, they kicked butt. They decided that no matter what, as many people as possible deserved to live better. Perhaps it's a personality trait (foolish bravery...). Or perhaps it's something which gnaws at a person enough to get them to move.

Maybe I should just act inaccordance with that which I see myself most capable of doing? Sooo...spread the word and hope that it inspires someone with the necessary persona...hi?

-contemplating that which already has been thought on

Day...2...or 2 and half...

Not much going on in my head currently. Trying to be more insightful and true to myself. I felt very sluggish and anti-social yesterday. Mostly because I hadn't done any work. Today I rememdied that. Peeled garlic, to make it look pretty, for a while. Then later spent some time harvesting lima beans. This activity was cut short by the rain (thank god, was doing it for at least 2 hours straight). I must admit, I prefer harvesting ground cherries to the lima beans. Ground cherries fall to the ground, when they're ready to be taken. And you can snack on them. Lima beans? Eh. Acorn harvest 'em for the seeds. So we take them off of the bush when they're brown and dry. This has to be done before the rain (oops!) so that the seeds don't begin to sprout. Alas, we only harvested part of two rows...out of four...and completely neglecting the other variety of lima beans. But hey, beats doing tomato portraits! Actually, that was pretty fun last time I was here.

This thursday will be the Harvest Festival. Big event for Acorn's seed business. I expect the chaos to ensue shortly. Though Fiver and I are currently fixing up the sign for this gig. When I was here last there was a small local farmers event that they had a booth at. That had me tied up with working on signs of tomatoes (the portraits) and other assorted things. I helped with set up. I plan to do the same again. I'm a bit too nervous to do any actual customer interaction...I don't really know anything about seeds/agriculture/gardening.

In other news, which isn't news at all, trying not to obsess over Pepper...and trying to actually crack into my repressed memories...Though it's slowly dawning on me that the ephihanies I had while here the last time happened because I wasn't hunting them down. Oh, and I'm totally looking forward to drawing some naked people. Rock!

-Over and out and through the valley I shall go